Looking Back~ Here and There

Greetings and Happy Holidays!

What a time of the year! It's always fun to celebrate Christmas with my family. But what's even better is that I'm now one year older! It's crazy to think that I'm so close to being an adult, but it's so far away! I'll still be the same, believe me :) Still the adorable amazing girl everyone knows me as :)

This brings back memories of this past February... The ACL tear! February 18th, 2013 - the game against Xenia, where I possibly had the most life changing experience of my young life! As I lay on the floor, I could hear the pounding footsteps of those people who rushed to help me. Excruciating pain was coursing through my knees, and tears rushed down from my face. It wasn't because of the pain, because it did hurt! But I think I cried most for the fact that I had failed myself. I can't really explain it, other than I was so upset that I had let myself slip into this predicament! But- There I lay, in so much pain and sadness. Here,in the present, I am much stronger, physically, and spiritually! So much good can come of something that seems so horrible!

March 25th, 2013- The surgery! I was terrified, because I had never had something like that happen to me before! I prayed, I cried, I slept rather poorly, and I was shown so much love that I'm not sure why I was even scared! I can remember, right before they put me under, I felt this immense rush of love and care, and I knew then that everything would be ok, that I could trust my surgeon. The best part? Waking up :) I remember looking like a little baby, wrapped in so many blankets to keep me warm :) (I get really cold really easily)

July 2013- Girls Camp and Youth Conference. Ahhhh the memories that I have from Kirtland and Palmyra! Two of my most favorite summer activities! So much friendship and familiarity! The people that you meet will always stick with you, even after you move! It was wonderful to be with so many friends and so many of those who will be with me forever. There, I was among friends. Here, I learned that people are watching you, wanting to follow how you lead, and hopefully, I can lead people in the right way!

August 7-18, 2013- The Great RV Trip :D Haha So many fun memories and so many things that I learned! To see about our trip, follow this link : The Trip of the Summer :) There, I was just on a trip, away from the hardships that life brought. Here, I know that I'm not the person I thought I was.

School started late August. The first few weeks were rough! I was alone, hardly anyone talked to me, and I hardly talked to anyone. I was quiet, shy, and someone I never thought I would be! I was reserved, tired, and I tried to stay as far away from the lime light as possible. Then something inside me changed. I started trying again, I started to talk to people again. And I have a few people to thank for that! I tried out for a solo in Choir, and got it, hands down. My voice matured and blossomed over the summer, and I hadn't tried to share my talents. People to this day are still telling me I am the most amazing, angelic singer that they have ever heard. There, at school, I felt that I was alone and unwanted. Here, almost half way done with my 3rd year, I know that people want me around.

Now, here I am in December, at the close of this year. It's been crazy! Things don't seem to be any different, but I am different. Looking back, I can see that I was afraid of who I was. I didn't know how much I meant to people. I was depressed, because I thought that I was the reason for everyone's problems. Now, I can see that I was totally, undeniably wrong. I am talented, smart, lovely, adorable, spunky, persistent, and I am hard working. I don't want o go back to the way I was. I want to remain strong, fight my battles as they arise, and I want to be able to help people when they need it, and be able to help in the best way that I can.

How different are you? Look back at your year, and see how far you've really come!

You are the most amazing person that you can be! Don't give up!

~Me

Be an Example

Whether you know it or not, you are an example to someone! Your daily actions and words affect those around you in ways that you cannot possibly imagine! I have seen this first hand in my life as well as in the lives of others.

This past summer, I blogged about an experience that I had at Girls Camp. A girl whom I had never met personally, but had heard about handed me a note telling me that I had shown her the good in life, and had been a role model for her. I didn't even know I was doing that! I was just going through my day trying to show people that I was doing fine, even after a rough let down, and with all the trials that I face at home and at school. I never in my wildest dreams had thought that someone would ever look up to me!

Your example matters! People all around you are watching you, waiting for you to react. How you react, and how you deal with your trials and hardships can affect not only you and your family, but there could be someone out there dealing with the same problem. They could be seeing your reaction, and think that that is the best way to deal with that problem. Think things through, and try and work it out as best you can.

In a conversation that I had with my friends the other day, I was reminded of how much I mean to everyone. I am someone who is a rock to one, who brightens the day of another, and who keeps the emotions and feelings of another. You CAN be an amazing example to others! Have faith in the things you can do, and develop the talents that you want to have.

And remember! Stay amazing!

~Me

Feeling Deeper

I write. Poetry, stories, music. Anything. I write to get rid of bad feelings, I write to express my deepest feelings. I use written word to tell people what my mouth won't say. It comes from my heart, and it isn't something that I do lightly. I know how powerful words can be, how they can crush spirits, or can lift someone up.

I sing. I am a three time winner of the Outstanding Choral Member award, both in Middle School and in High School. I was my Choir teachers favorite student (she retired last year). I've gotten straight ones at Choral contests, both in District and State. I am an accomplished, if not amazing singer. (I will not openly admit it, because I don't like people thinking that they can't be as good as me.)

Everyone has the ability to do anything they want, but they can only achieve their goal unless they put forth their best effort and try their hardest. Just believe that you can, and you will!

I judge how well a song is in a weird way. I listen to the music, but I only pay attention to the words. If I can make a connection to the words, if they mean something to me, put to words how I felt in a certain situation, then I'll love it. When I listen to music I don't just listen. I feel it. I feel the power of the music, feel the deeper meaning.

When you listen to music, or even to your friends talking, listen for the deeper meaning. They could be telling you something that you won't know unless you think deeper. Don't let an opportunity of helping someone pass you by!

You can make a difference!!!

~Me

Believing You Are.....

Having the inclination to do something is one thing, but believing that you can do it is another!

One of my major struggles is believing that I can be something more than what I am. For the longest time I felt like I was just another person, like I wasn't anything special to anyone. Now, I realize that I was so far from the truth! I am much more than I thought.

I wrote the following poem for a friend who was struggling, and now, I realize that the words apply to myself as well.

Inside Me~

Somewhere inside me
A little voice cries
Telling me to breathe
To open my eyes.

Believe in something
Much bigger than you
Have faith in your life
To yourself be true.

Hang on to the good
Hold on to the right
Grasp all of your knowledge
And hold on tight.

Hold out your hand
And be open to all.
Be there when you should
When you hear them call.

Remember your virtues
Remember your friends
Remember the blessings
Just around the bends.

The war within you
Will some day cease
The pain and torment
Will turn to peace.

Hang on to your good
Hold on to your right
Let go of  your anger
Let your fear take flight.

Believe in yourself
Do not give up hope
I know you can do it
I know you can cope.

I know you can make it
I know you can
We'll do this together
Just take my hand.

Finding who we are and trusting ourselves to make the daily decisions that we have to make is something that can help make each day the most amazing. Believing that you are special, that you are loved, and that you are something worth the time of those around you not only boosts your spirits, but it helps those around you. You may ask, "How can this be true?" Even when you don't realize it, people are watching you, and they may even be imitating you! The example that you set, and the aura that you give off can affect those around you more than you know.

Believe that you mean something to someone. Believe that you are something much more amazing than you think. Believe that you can make a difference, because if you do, you will! Belief turns into faith, faith turns into action, and action turns in to results :)

Keep going! I know you can make it!

"Clap along if you know what happiness means to you"
~Pharrell Williams

Stay amazing!

~Me

Facing Challanges

Hi! I've been really busy with school and with other things, but I've found the time now to relax and just let go.

In the last few weeks, I've found that just trying to be yourself, and trying to learn all that you can is possibly the most important thing in my life right now. Some things don't always go as planned, and sometimes, you just can't help what happens, but you learn to just go with it. Rolling with the punches doesn't quite define it. Just keep believing in yourself, and keep going, smiling all the way. 

Not everything is easy. Not everything is good. Not everyone is nice. Not all your days will be good. But the one thing you need to remember is that you are amazing, you will always be wonderful, and that no matter what others may say about you, you are the best person that you can be!

You can be a better person tomorrow than the person you were yesterday.

Live every day like it's your last, and keep yourself open to others ideas.

Stay amazing!

~Me

Betrayal

Well! :)

I'm so excited to be going back to school! It's been an amazing summer, don't get me wrong, but I do like having that routine that comes along with being back in school.

Just a little back story: Over a month ago, my best friend and I stopped talking to each other, because they had told me that they had no feelings (at all) for me. I will admit, I was heartbroken. I asked the person why, and they said it was because I was too much like my mother, and that I wasn't listening. (And if any of you REALLY know me, I ALWAYS listen to whatever you need to tell me that is personal or could benefit me) We then parted ways, and haven't really spoken since. I still talk to the person, trying to show them that I have no hard feelings, and that I've moved on.

On the other hand, my old friend's closest friend decided to start spreading false rumors about me. It was while I was gone on vacation, giving said person enough time to alienate my friends from me, causing me to lose half of the people I would consider my friends. Now, they won't talk to me, and hardly look at me. My dear sister (not by blood) took up the challenge to ask them why they won't talk to me. They told her that they believe the rumor-spreader, and that I never tried to be friends with them.

What you need to realize is that these people never included me when they went to dances, stake activities, or even double or triple dates. I know I'm not like them, because I love to run and do all kinds of things athletic. But they never gave me a chance to be friends with them. And that's what hurts the most.

Sorry about that sob story!

On the bright side, I can still count myself lucky, because I have my sisters. :) They aren't related by blood, they don't share the same parents, they don't even have similar names. But they have stuck with me through thick and thin. They've stood by me when I hit my lowest points. They motivated me to do things I wouldn't have ordinarily done. They want me to be the best that I can be. And that's why they are my sisters!

Keep the sun shining in your life!!

~Me

Youth Conference and Girls Camp 2013

Me at Niagara Falls

Ahhh... Where to begin?

I had the most amazing time in Palmyra, NY 3 weeks ago! Wow... It's already been that long?! That's insane! The Spirit that I felt there has been with me ever since... and I hope that I will never loose that feeling! So many beautiful thoughts and sights there that were felt and seen!

Here's a couple pics from the trip :)

The Hill Cumorah Monument

It's a Long Road in NY!

This is the Palmyra Temple in Palmyra NY

Seneca Lake swim time!

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Now on to Girls Camp!

I have to admit, that it was the most Spiritual experience that I had had in all the 5 years I've been going to Camp... The feeling I got while we were driving down that dusty gravel road didn't leave me until we left the camp almost 6 days later... I felt warm and bubbly, happy and loved... All in the same moment!

This year was my first year as being a YCL, which is a Youth Camp Leader. I was in charge of teaching the 2nd year campers how to correctly put up and take down the flag. I also had the opportunity to teach the first year campers (including my lovely younger sister :) ) how to tie a Bowline knot, and Square knot, and a Double half-hitch... and lemme tell ya, it was rough! Keeping the attention of 28 12-13 year olds is hard!!!

I'd have to say the best prank that was pulled on me was the 3rd night at camp... My tent got silly stringed by 2 girls from my Ward... and I had to clean it all off! :D I was a little upset at first, but after a while, I went and talked to them and we laughed about it til 2 in the morning! :)

The most amazing thing that happened to me at Camp was probably what happened after breakfast on Saturday. As I was leaving the Lodge, a 3rd year (Non-Member) handed me a note... and as I read it, it hit me. I was being watched! And I didn't even know it! I'll share a part with you now:

" Hi. You don't really know me at all, but you are a really big inspiration to me. You're so confident and always willing to help...... You are also really pretty; outside, and from what I've seen, inside as well......Thank you so much for being my inspiration, my motivation, and role model..."

I never knew I was that cool! And I certainly never thought that someone would look up to me...

Stay amazing my friends!

~Me

Nightmares and Daydreams

Thanks to all my friends and family who keep up with my blog! I'm sorry that I haven't blogged anything recently! I've been... Busy...

This is called a Briquette Press! My dad made this to press totally Earth-friendly, completely Bio-safe logs to burn! They are made from recycled paper and sawdust. They end up looking like giant hockey pucks! :) 

This is me and my closest friend Kelly on the last day of Exams! School ended roughly a month ago, and I really really miss her company!!!

There was this really awesome parade down by where my Grandparents live, and all these old 20's cars were driving past, and this was the coolest shot I got... I love photography, and I love old cars!! :) Win Win situation for me! :)

Shout out to the amazing Jeffrey! :) Lol this kid's got style!! :)

*   *   *   *   *   *

But this summer hasn't been all daydreams...

My best friend and I got into a fight over something really silly, but my best friend still is mad at me... I'm having to cope with that hate, mixed in with the feeling that someone really wants to hurt me... add on the fact that most of my life is spent worrying about stupid things, and feeling like I don't belong.... it's not a good mix! And it's not something I want to have to deal with for the rest of my summer!!

Here's an excerpt from an email I sent a dear friend of mine about a nightmare I had on the 30th of June...

"So i was at this arcade with some friends. As we were leaving, we all walked over to this fenced in house ( I don't really know why). when we got closer, the older guys comes running out and starts screaming and cussing at my friends, and I'm rooted to the spot... he grabs me, pulls me over the fence, and takes me into his house... then he rapes me, and shoves me back outside.. My friends are gone, except for Kelly... she looks at me and says "I thought I knew you" then she walks away.... Then I woke up... "

Hopefully this won't happen in real life... But I can only hope!

That's all for now!

Stay amazing!!

~Tam

 

Summer!!

I'm happy to say that school finally ended for me!!! :) Haha I'm so happy!!!

This past Friday, I got to go to Applebees with my Dad, Neil, and other friends of my dad's and mine :) It's always fun to go and just let go of some of the stress that has been on my shoulders for quite some time!

Here's a shout out to my good friend Jeffery! Hey friend! :)

Well... Where to begin! It's hard to believe that only 4 months ago, I was so useless and that I could hardly do anything! Now? Now, you can't even tell that I was like that! It's amazing to me that sometimes, things happen in ways you can't really even understand!

I'm happy to say though, that my summer isnt completely ruined! :) I can now go biking and running, which will probably take up most of my day now... And I can't wait to go to NY this summer, as well as Girls Camp, and Youth Conference! :) I will DEFINITELY remember to blog about those experiences! :)

For now, I'll just end with part of a poem I wrote...

Sometimes

Sometimes it's over
and the moment ends.
You gotta move on
maybe just as friends.

Sometimes you just
gotta move on!
Forget about things
that are already gone.

Sometimes it seems
your world is crumbling.
Cursing and swearing
quietly mumbling.

But if you remember
to just forgive
Sometimes things change
and happiness can live.




I love you all!!

~Tam

New Things To Conquer

Hola Amigos!

New news from me! Only 2 weeks left of Physical Therapy!! Yay!! I'll make sure to add a picture of the new athletic brace I have to wear in my next post...

Besides PT, I've had to deal with a serious bout of depression.... Not to mention most of my friends seem to think that I don't exist any more, and that I am just a silly person trying to get attention...

Still, I try to hide my hurt, and I imagine them somewhere else, where they don't mock me, or ignore me...

The title of this post (rightfully named) is about conquering new things... And the only new things I have to conquer is trying to regain all of my old muscle mass, and I have to try and be as positive as I can, no matter what the trial...

Because smiling is a great way to get rid of a frown! :)

Stay strong! Conquer on!

~Me




Here's a couple pics of my life right now :)

Me and my new glasses :D

Me and my amazing brother!

Me and my mom...

The sushi that I made today :)

 

My amazingly wonderful Family!

Why?

It's like no matter how hard I try, I'll always be a screw up... 

Here are a couple of my posts to help explain..


**(from Tuesday, May 14, 2013)


       "Ahhhh the Tuesday... one of my least favorite days... "Why?" you ask? Because Tuesdays are the days where I am ignored the most... "But Tamara, people love you!" Haha yeah, if you came to Mutual, you'd know how much of a lie that is...

Little back story... When I turned 16, I was so excited to be hanging out with  the girls who were older, and I thought I would have a chance to finally belong somewhere... Well, I was wrong... They ignore me, and forget I'm around, and then they talk to each other, and say things I'm not in on... Every time I am around them, I feel invisible... I feel awful for trying to speak up, and sometimes, they give me weird looks...

Yeah, I wear black... yeah, I don't smile as much as i used to... Yeah, I don't laugh as much... Yeah, I'm different... But they don't know why I'm like this... But they don't even try to make me feel welcome...Sorry for trying...

And now I find out that I don't get to see my dad on Sundays anymore... I still get to see him after church, and on Wednesdays, but it'll only be for a couple of hours... Which won't change, but it was nice seeing him more than once a week...

I haven't slept in almost 3 days... I feel so.........

I don't know what to feel anymore..."



**(from May 3, 2013)

          "Having a bad day right after crying your eyes out, not sleeping, and then thinking about horrible things makes me really want to cry... But if you think about it, the circle of my life might just start all over again... "


It's hard for me to keep trying to be who I want to be... What's the point? I'm constantly made fun of, constantly told I'm just a problem... What's the point? Why do I even try??

As to my recovery, I'm making amazing progress!! I've gotten back to 0 degree straight (which is good :) ) and I'm at 121 degree bend! Getting back to normal never felt so good!!!!! I also finally got to take off my big black brace! :) Haha wooo!!! :)

That's all for now! I'll keep you posted!

~Me :)
  

Road to Recovery... Inside and Out

Well... Surgery went well! I'm slowly making my recovery, and am feeling better every day!

Cool brace, right? :)

It's amazing to think that I have come a long way in two months!! I went from not knowing what I had done to myself, to having had surgery for an ACL tear!

And now? It only gets better! :)

I started Physical Therapy today.. An interesting thing... The first 25 minutes, the guy asked me all sorts of questions, ranging from what happened at the time of the injury, to how I am doing now, Post- surgery... Then, he messed with my knee, making it hurt really badly...

But I'm just excited to be starting the road (which is shorter now) to my recovery!

My friends have been the greatest! They always know how to make me laugh and smile, even when I feel down and sad! My family has been supportive (except for all the jokes and mockery and such) and they have helped me through this trial in my life...

All my love to everyone, and I hope that you all are well!!

~Tam

Choices

So many times a day, you have to make a choice! Whether you will wear nice clothes, or whether you will not. Whether you will do your homework, or whether you will play outside instead.

Whether you lie to your friends, or tell them what is really on your mind....

There have been many choices that I have had to make in the last week or so. Choices that have made my life so much harder. Things that I never really thought I would have to decide to do. I've lost so much sleep, crying and thinking about how I could have done something different, how I could have made a better choice..

Remember-

Make the best choices you can!

Your friend,

Me

Saying Goodbye

Life is about to get very difficult for me...

I know now what i have done to my knee... I have torn my ACL... And thats not good!!!

I will have to have surgery on it, and the doctor said that they will have to use part of my hamstring to create a new ACL for me, and the surgery will take all day...

Then the best rolls around...

I find out that my surgery is going to be during my Spring Break... And my Aunt Bonnie will be in town, DURING THAT BREAK.... But I will be on bed rest, not able to go and see her...

I guess I have to say goodbye to the things I love... Walking, running, moving freely... I won't be singing in my churches Cantata, because I will be recovering, and it will be hard to move... Hopefully, I will still be able to go to the final performance...

For now, I will be different...

But later, I will be stronger!

Never forget what you have been blessed with...

Your friend,

Me

Simple Things

Swollen knees and crutches.... My new best friends!

This weekend, as I was playing Church basketball, and as I went to block the shot, I was pushed and fell on my feet... the only downside? I went down with straight legs! I was on the floor, unable to move for almost 5 minutes. When my mother was able to get me up, it was as if i was someone else. I couldn't move my legs at all. I was carried to a chair, where I was CONSTANTLY told "I love you! I hope that you will get better soon!!!" And now that I look back, I really needed those thoughts!

I have an Osteochrondral Knee Injury... Which means that I will be on crutches for almost 2 months...

It's going to be really hard for me! I will have to learn to accept to depend on everyone I know to help me through this! My athleticism is a major part in my life, and now I have to put it on hold. Something can be said about how sad I am that I will have to find other ways to exercise.

It's the simple things that mean the world to you when you don't have them!! Things seem different when one is dependant on others. You learn humility, and even learn to trust others as you have never trusted them before.

I will keep you updated as to my recovery!

Your friend,

Me

Friends Who Care

This is a day for wonderful things!!

Most days, I find it hard to smile... things maybe aren't going the right way. But there are things that do make me smile!

Friends, Sunshine, Laughter, Amazing things!

This week has been hectic for me! Having the police roaming my school all the time, increased security, new rules... It's been difficult!! How does one keep a smile, or even a happy thought? 

Just remember this: For every minute you are angry (sad or mad or down) you lose 60 seconds of your happiness!!

Here is Poem that I love:

Confide in a Friend

When you're tired and worn
at the close of the day
And things just don't seem to be going your way,
And even your patience has come to an end,
Try taking time out and confide in a friend.

Perhaps she too may have walked the same road
With a much troubled heart and a burdensome load,
To find peace and comfort somewhere near the end,
When she stopped long enough to confide in a friend.

For then are most welcome a few words of cheer,
For someone who willingly lends you an ear.
No troubles exist that time cannot mend,
But to get quick relief, just confide in a friend

Don't forget your friends!

Here's a little sunshine, Just for my friends!

Your friend,

Me

A Little Scary

Happy Valentines Day to everyone!

Today was a good day to remember to love!

My school was threatened yesterday with a possible shooting like that at the Columbine High School. All throughout the school, there were rumors of who wrote the note, and whether or not we were going to be harmed! Everyone seemed to be in a panic!

Today was no different from any other day. There were cops, of course, and the local news was there, telling their story. But I knew I was safe! I had friends to watch out for me, and I had the power of prayer.

Remembering who we are and what we stand for is important! Don't let the scary things in life make it hard for you to remember who you are!

Here's some Valentines love for you~

Your friend,

Me

Not Alone

Sometimes, it's hard. Most times, It seems impossible!

If you find that some things begin to pull you down, just remember this:

You are not alone!

Everyone had travelled down this road before! Whether now, or in their earlier years. It is a long road, and sometimes very difficult! But you must never forget that you are not alone.

Keep hope alive, and remember that you are Amazing!

Your friend,

Me