Nightmares and Daydreams

Thanks to all my friends and family who keep up with my blog! I'm sorry that I haven't blogged anything recently! I've been... Busy...

This is called a Briquette Press! My dad made this to press totally Earth-friendly, completely Bio-safe logs to burn! They are made from recycled paper and sawdust. They end up looking like giant hockey pucks! :) 

This is me and my closest friend Kelly on the last day of Exams! School ended roughly a month ago, and I really really miss her company!!!

There was this really awesome parade down by where my Grandparents live, and all these old 20's cars were driving past, and this was the coolest shot I got... I love photography, and I love old cars!! :) Win Win situation for me! :)

Shout out to the amazing Jeffrey! :) Lol this kid's got style!! :)

*   *   *   *   *   *

But this summer hasn't been all daydreams...

My best friend and I got into a fight over something really silly, but my best friend still is mad at me... I'm having to cope with that hate, mixed in with the feeling that someone really wants to hurt me... add on the fact that most of my life is spent worrying about stupid things, and feeling like I don't belong.... it's not a good mix! And it's not something I want to have to deal with for the rest of my summer!!

Here's an excerpt from an email I sent a dear friend of mine about a nightmare I had on the 30th of June...

"So i was at this arcade with some friends. As we were leaving, we all walked over to this fenced in house ( I don't really know why). when we got closer, the older guys comes running out and starts screaming and cussing at my friends, and I'm rooted to the spot... he grabs me, pulls me over the fence, and takes me into his house... then he rapes me, and shoves me back outside.. My friends are gone, except for Kelly... she looks at me and says "I thought I knew you" then she walks away.... Then I woke up... "

Hopefully this won't happen in real life... But I can only hope!

That's all for now!

Stay amazing!!

~Tam

 

Summer!!

I'm happy to say that school finally ended for me!!! :) Haha I'm so happy!!!

This past Friday, I got to go to Applebees with my Dad, Neil, and other friends of my dad's and mine :) It's always fun to go and just let go of some of the stress that has been on my shoulders for quite some time!

Here's a shout out to my good friend Jeffery! Hey friend! :)

Well... Where to begin! It's hard to believe that only 4 months ago, I was so useless and that I could hardly do anything! Now? Now, you can't even tell that I was like that! It's amazing to me that sometimes, things happen in ways you can't really even understand!

I'm happy to say though, that my summer isnt completely ruined! :) I can now go biking and running, which will probably take up most of my day now... And I can't wait to go to NY this summer, as well as Girls Camp, and Youth Conference! :) I will DEFINITELY remember to blog about those experiences! :)

For now, I'll just end with part of a poem I wrote...

Sometimes

Sometimes it's over
and the moment ends.
You gotta move on
maybe just as friends.

Sometimes you just
gotta move on!
Forget about things
that are already gone.

Sometimes it seems
your world is crumbling.
Cursing and swearing
quietly mumbling.

But if you remember
to just forgive
Sometimes things change
and happiness can live.




I love you all!!

~Tam

New Things To Conquer

Hola Amigos!

New news from me! Only 2 weeks left of Physical Therapy!! Yay!! I'll make sure to add a picture of the new athletic brace I have to wear in my next post...

Besides PT, I've had to deal with a serious bout of depression.... Not to mention most of my friends seem to think that I don't exist any more, and that I am just a silly person trying to get attention...

Still, I try to hide my hurt, and I imagine them somewhere else, where they don't mock me, or ignore me...

The title of this post (rightfully named) is about conquering new things... And the only new things I have to conquer is trying to regain all of my old muscle mass, and I have to try and be as positive as I can, no matter what the trial...

Because smiling is a great way to get rid of a frown! :)

Stay strong! Conquer on!

~Me




Here's a couple pics of my life right now :)

Me and my new glasses :D

Me and my amazing brother!

Me and my mom...

The sushi that I made today :)

 

My amazingly wonderful Family!

Why?

It's like no matter how hard I try, I'll always be a screw up... 

Here are a couple of my posts to help explain..


**(from Tuesday, May 14, 2013)


       "Ahhhh the Tuesday... one of my least favorite days... "Why?" you ask? Because Tuesdays are the days where I am ignored the most... "But Tamara, people love you!" Haha yeah, if you came to Mutual, you'd know how much of a lie that is...

Little back story... When I turned 16, I was so excited to be hanging out with  the girls who were older, and I thought I would have a chance to finally belong somewhere... Well, I was wrong... They ignore me, and forget I'm around, and then they talk to each other, and say things I'm not in on... Every time I am around them, I feel invisible... I feel awful for trying to speak up, and sometimes, they give me weird looks...

Yeah, I wear black... yeah, I don't smile as much as i used to... Yeah, I don't laugh as much... Yeah, I'm different... But they don't know why I'm like this... But they don't even try to make me feel welcome...Sorry for trying...

And now I find out that I don't get to see my dad on Sundays anymore... I still get to see him after church, and on Wednesdays, but it'll only be for a couple of hours... Which won't change, but it was nice seeing him more than once a week...

I haven't slept in almost 3 days... I feel so.........

I don't know what to feel anymore..."



**(from May 3, 2013)

          "Having a bad day right after crying your eyes out, not sleeping, and then thinking about horrible things makes me really want to cry... But if you think about it, the circle of my life might just start all over again... "


It's hard for me to keep trying to be who I want to be... What's the point? I'm constantly made fun of, constantly told I'm just a problem... What's the point? Why do I even try??

As to my recovery, I'm making amazing progress!! I've gotten back to 0 degree straight (which is good :) ) and I'm at 121 degree bend! Getting back to normal never felt so good!!!!! I also finally got to take off my big black brace! :) Haha wooo!!! :)

That's all for now! I'll keep you posted!

~Me :)
  

Road to Recovery... Inside and Out

Well... Surgery went well! I'm slowly making my recovery, and am feeling better every day!

Cool brace, right? :)

It's amazing to think that I have come a long way in two months!! I went from not knowing what I had done to myself, to having had surgery for an ACL tear!

And now? It only gets better! :)

I started Physical Therapy today.. An interesting thing... The first 25 minutes, the guy asked me all sorts of questions, ranging from what happened at the time of the injury, to how I am doing now, Post- surgery... Then, he messed with my knee, making it hurt really badly...

But I'm just excited to be starting the road (which is shorter now) to my recovery!

My friends have been the greatest! They always know how to make me laugh and smile, even when I feel down and sad! My family has been supportive (except for all the jokes and mockery and such) and they have helped me through this trial in my life...

All my love to everyone, and I hope that you all are well!!

~Tam

Choices

So many times a day, you have to make a choice! Whether you will wear nice clothes, or whether you will not. Whether you will do your homework, or whether you will play outside instead.

Whether you lie to your friends, or tell them what is really on your mind....

There have been many choices that I have had to make in the last week or so. Choices that have made my life so much harder. Things that I never really thought I would have to decide to do. I've lost so much sleep, crying and thinking about how I could have done something different, how I could have made a better choice..

Remember-

Make the best choices you can!

Your friend,

Me

Saying Goodbye

Life is about to get very difficult for me...

I know now what i have done to my knee... I have torn my ACL... And thats not good!!!

I will have to have surgery on it, and the doctor said that they will have to use part of my hamstring to create a new ACL for me, and the surgery will take all day...

Then the best rolls around...

I find out that my surgery is going to be during my Spring Break... And my Aunt Bonnie will be in town, DURING THAT BREAK.... But I will be on bed rest, not able to go and see her...

I guess I have to say goodbye to the things I love... Walking, running, moving freely... I won't be singing in my churches Cantata, because I will be recovering, and it will be hard to move... Hopefully, I will still be able to go to the final performance...

For now, I will be different...

But later, I will be stronger!

Never forget what you have been blessed with...

Your friend,

Me